Boys Will Be Men:
Raising Our Sons for Courage,
Caring and Community,
by Paul Kivel
New Society Publishers 1999

An increasing number of teachers, parents and advocates are deeply troubled about the way we socialize boys into the male role belief system of male superiority and the right to use coercion to enforce that superiority. We witness daily the tragic physical violence, as well as verbal, emotional and sexual violence, this causes, and we grasp for an alternative. Many of us see the key to ending violence against women in raising our sons to believe in gender equality and to develop skills for co-creating intimacy.

But how do we teach boys this new way of being a man? Several new books can help. You might start with Michael Kimmel's excellent article, "What Are Little Boys Made Of?", in the October/November 1999 issue of Ms. Magazine. In addition to his critique of the cultural right's backlash against a gender analysis of men's violence, he recommends books that give hope for ending male violence.

Three of the books Kimmel recommends are ones he describes as books "that want to redefine boyhood by using feminist precepts." These books include The Courage To Raise Good Men by Olga Silverstein and Beth Rashbaum (Penguin); Challenging Macho Values: Practical Ways of Working with Adolescent Boys by Jonathan Salisbury and David Jackson (Falmer Press); and Boys Will Be Men by Paul Kivel (New Society Publishers).

All three of these books will nourish your passion for and commitment to a feminist vision of stopping men's violence to women, and they are full of practical ways to raise boys differently than the male role belief system. The one that stands out for its usefulness to community-based prevention efforts is Paul Kivel's new book, Boys Will Be Men. Paul Kivel was a founder of the Oakland's Men's Project, and he has conducted workshops for youth and adults on anti-violence and anti-racism throughout the country.

Writing in a clear, conversational style for parents, teachers and others, Kivel makes the critical connections between racism, homophobia, sexism, classism and men's violence against women. He suggests practical ways to confront and deconstruct the deeply held myths and attitudes about masculinity, sexuality and violence. In addition to the helpful questions he poses in each chapter, there are sixteen pages of resources in the back of the book, including books, videos and organizations to help us nurture the boys in our lives to develop beliefs and attitudes of caring, courage and community.